So, this post is definitely going to be one for the deep archives. It involves teenagers and sex.
My husband and I were recently at a dinner party when the topic of teenagers and sex came up. A mother I know, who considers herself progressive and feminist, shared her own struggles when her daughter became sexually active and started asking for birth control.
I have to admit, my reaction was divided.
Part of me wanted to say of course I'll support his/her decisions that he/she makes with his/her own body and I will equip my kids with the knowledge and tools to have safe sex.
The other part of me said OMG MY KIDS CAN'T HAVE SEX BECAUSE THEY ARE KIDS!!! GROSS!!!!!
Wow, what an unhelpful response.
I know that teenagers have sex. Confession: I did.
I'm a body positive, sex positive, educating, empowering person who wants to believe that when my own teenagers come to that time that I'll react in the best possible way. The only question is... what IS the best possible way?
The mother asked Noah and I point blank what would we do if our teenage daughter came to us and said that her boyfriend was coming over and they were going to go "hang out" in her bedroom and we knew the subtext was sexual.
I guess I don't want to think about my own children having sex with WHO KNOWS WHO in my own house. What if they get hurt? What if he's a creep? What if my son gets someone pregnant? What if they form a codependent emotionally abusive relationship and feel like they can't get out because of the sex?
I know a lot of you are sex-positive, feminist, body positive, awesome empowered people. What's your take? Do you discourage your kids from having sex? How young is too young? How do you control that anyway?
I always knew I would educate my kids about safe sex as soon as they hit puberty but I never really thought about how I would react if they said they were having sex or if they tried to have it in my house.
We're not there yet, but I think about this all the time. I've watched friends with teenagers...well, they managed. I think the key is to start talking from the very beginning and keep those lines of communication open all the time. Tackle the hard stuff (for us, right now it's about when the 3-year-old son gets in trouble at preschool and what REALLY happened, so we can understand why he gets upset rather than just scolding him for hitting). Every step so far, we've just adjusted to the hard thing that came with the next phase. We'll find a way to adjust to this one, too. And just like with these moments, we talk it through with each other, remind ourselves of our values, try to remember what we felt at that age (and also what we in hindsight know we should have done), and act with love.
ReplyDeleteIf you leave it until puberty they'll have already gotten it on the playground, it's way too late.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.nytimes.com/roomfordebate/2013/05/07/at-what-age-should-sex-education-begin/start-sex-education-early-definitely-before-puberty
http://www.noplacelikehome.org/english.php?p=age3
So, I talked a friend's teen son through the female anatomy because he was trying to have sex with his girlfriend and couldn't manage insertion. And as much as I was all in favor of him knowing how to do it well, and safely, and as much as I was in favor of my friend ensuring that the girl in question had ready access to birth control (because girl's mom was totally NOT gonna do that), I'm still not sure I want my son and daughter having teen sex. I was 23 and in graduate school, myself, so I know that can be done. (It helps if your boyfriend in high school and the first few years of college is gay, just for the record.) I want them to know that all forms of birth control have risk of failure. Some of them have VERY HIGH risk of failure, and I want them to be ready to carry a pregnancy to term before they start having sex. I also don't want them to be in a relationship that's bad but they stay in it because the sex/bonding hormone cascade has turned them illogical. I think it's a sticky wicket. I want them to know how to have good sex, I want them to have good sex partners, I want them to have safe, fun sex - when they're ready to deal with the risks if all the safety mechanisms fail. It's complicated.
ReplyDelete100% agree! It's so tricky and I want to try to give my kids the best advice that they will actually use. LOL. Just saying "don't have sex until you are old enough to face the consequences and in a healthy relationship" is the best advice but it might not be the advice the kid listens to. I guess this is why all kids need that cool aunt figure they trust who can give them advice they will listen to about things they might not want mom to tell them. LOL
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