Co-sleeping

People love to talk about co-sleeping. It is something I think I am for but, also, honestly nervous about. I want to start a discussion about experiences with co-sleeping and also dig into the science.

Co-sleeping is when parent and caretaker sleep together. It can be in the bed, on the floor, on the couch, in a chair... where ever.

Advantages:
* It is easier for a nursing mother to feed her baby at night.
* Close proximity means caretakers respond more quickly to baby's needs, reducing anxiety
* It aligns with the carry animal instinct, baby is right there safe and warm
* Some research indicates that baby breathes better and heart rate is more steady when co sleeping


Disadvantages
* Every year babies die from being smothered, strangled by blankets, or falling between the bed and the headboard


So,  I love the list of possible advantages but if I'm risking my baby's life, is it worth it?

A possible compromise is a co-sleeper cot that attaches to the side of the parents bed. The baby sleeps in the safety of the cot next to the bed and is very close to the parents.

Or, another choice, is a baby bed that goes in your bed. It keeps baby next to you but safer.

What about you? Where did you put your baby to sleep?

Annotated Bibliography

Maximizing the chances of Safe Infant Sleep in the Solitary and Cosleeping (Specifically, Bed-sharing) Contexts. Dr. James J. McKenna, U of Notre Dame. 

Emphasizes that the decision can only be made in the context of the family situation. Breastfeeding, non smokers, non obese and the surface the baby sleeps on makes a difference.

Co sleeping: yes, no, sometimes? AskDrSears.com  http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/health-concerns/sleep-problems/co-sleeping-yes-no-sometimes

A huge article with a lot of information about both research and anecdotal evidence for co sleeping. Highlights: helps regulate baby breathing and heart rate,

Co sleeping and your baby. Kids Health. http://kidshealth.org/parent/general/sleep/cosleeping.html

Overview of advantages and disadvantages of co sleeping

Great advice from Louis C.K.

Should you give your kids whatever they want so that they won't feel left out or weird? Louis C.K says no.  Here's a great five minute video of him explaining how he works towards making him children into the best possible adults.

http://www.upworthy.com/the-hilarious-and-kinda-dark-way-bruce-springsteen-touched-a-tough-father?c=ufb1

I love how he wants to craft his daughters into full functioning, feeling, and thoughtful adults who know how to cope with not getting what they want. 

I understand that as a parent it is often easier to give your kids what they want so that they will be 'happy' or quit bothering you. Where do you draw the line? Where is the line between giving your kids a gift of love versus spoiling or overindulging them?

ALSO: When do you think it is okay to give your child a phone?

Mama Monday: ABA and Autism by Sarah

So picture this. Your husband is holed up in the man-cave like converted garage playing an online role playing game, your daughter is sleeping soundly in her crib, you’re eating steak and sweet potatoes by yourself at the kitchen table wondering what you’re going to do with yourself this evening, and your best friend asks you to be a guest blogger on her baby-making blog. Well why not? Sure!

At first I was overwhelmed with, “What would I even talk about?” “She looks like she’s eventually going to make her way through every parenting topic out there”, etc. Then I knew what I would blog about. I would blog about what I know. And what I know is behavior.  I am a Board Certified Behavior Analyst.  Which means I have a Masters of Education in Special Education, a Post-Graduate Certificate in Applied Behavior Analysis and over 1500 supervised hours of conducting ABA (Applied Behavior Analysis) Therapy to children.  On top of that I was a Behavior Intervention Teacher for a school district for 7 years.  So I’ll talk about that.

Probably the only people who have heard of ABA Therapy are those who know and love someone with autism.  Currently it is the only approved therapy for those with autism by the American Academy of Pediatrics, it is the only therapy with scientifically valid proof that it works for those with autism. Here's a long list debunking other therapies I hadn’t even heard of!). 31 one states require private insurance companies to cover it. Not chelation therapy. Not dolphin therapy. Not hyperbaric chamber therapy.  Not special diets, etc.  ABA Therapy (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Applied_behavior_analysis  - look at just their list of studies under the heading ‘efficacy in autism’).  

In hyperbaric chamber therapy, they increase the amount of oxygen in the brain of the patient to stimulate the creation of new blood vessels in the brain. Mmmkay...

Photo from here.

What’s horrible is the kids that have actually died, or been hospitalized by these unscientific treatments. At best it’s wasting time and money that could be better spent elsewhere, wasting valuable time a child has to learn, grow and overcome their disability.  Autism Speaks did an informal survey of parents asking them which therapies worked best for their child and only Speech and Occupational Therapies were ranked higher than ABA.

Even RDI (Relationship Development Intervention) which is an up and coming popular parent choice has yet to be studied by someone other than the one guy who created the program and has the sole financial stake in people buying his program. How do people suddenly think , “Oh I definitely trust this program that hasn’t been studied yet except one time in an unscientific way by the one guy who gains a profit by proving that it works!”

I guess the same way people still out there believe that vaccines cause autism despite study after study proving this false.  Another study came out just this year looking at over 10 years of data, over 1,000 children and found no correlation. which seconds a previous study in 2004 also showing autism not caused by vaccines. Seriously, why do people believe a Playboy Bunny over an actual scientist? The man who started this whole myth conducted an unethical study on TWELVE kids in 1998 lost his license to practice and his paper has been redacted from all published journals.  Lo and behold he had a patent related to a new MMR vaccine that he would thus be rewarded handsomely if the old MMR vaccine was somehow proved to be ineffective – or better yet, dangerous!! And people believe this crap? For a really cool graphic showing # of deaths to certain diseases pre-vaccine era and post vaccines go here.

Why should the average person care about autism? With 1 in 88 children being diagnosed with autism – this is important information for everyone.  A study conducted in 2006 found that it costs society $3.2 million to care for an individual with autism over his or her lifetime and that it costs society an estimated $35 billion EACH YEAR to care for all individuals with autism. Your health insurance premiums could go up 1-3% just because of the rising cost of providing coverage to the rising number of people with autism.

SAFETY ALERT - no coats in car seats

This will be a short one. I just read an article that warned parents against putting the baby into a car seat with a fluffy coat on. Apparently, it can be dangerous. Please be careful with your little ones! If you know of any other common practices that are dangerous, please let me know.

Annotated Bibliography
Coats and Car Seats: A lethal combination? Keren Perles.http://www.education.com/magazine/article/coats-car-seats/

Don't strap your kid into the car seat with a coat on. The coat interferes with the car seats functioning.

Free books for kids!

I will definitely post about the importance of child literacy and reading to your kids in the future. For now I just want to bring this fabulous event to you attention:

http://blog.hpb.com/hpb-blog/2013/11/13/booksgiving-day-free-childrens-book-for-kids-who-come-to-sto.html

Yes! A free book for every child. Go and get them!

Carry Animal

So, as you may have seen in the previous blog, I just read a great book that was mostly about diet from conception through nursing. It had a lot of great info but one of the things that really caught my attention was a breakdown of the different kinds of mammal parenting styles: cache, nesting, following, and carry. By looking at the competence of the offspring and the composition of the milk produced by the mother.

I have several friends who call their babies 'little monkeys'. That is actually inaccurate. They are little apes, y'all.

Bonobo baby with mom Kiri. Photo credit: Laura Horn, Memphis Zoo.

According to the research, the babies of animals that are meant to be left alone for long periods of time (cache or nesting mammals) are much more competent at birth. Those babies can keep themselves warm, can move around on their own some, and are natural hiders. The milk of their mothers is very rich and fatty and can keep them full and happy for the whole day, while mom is away hunting or scavenging. That milk takes more energy to produce.

Carry animals, on the other hand, have babies who are totally helpless. They don't have thick fur or fat deposits to keep them warm. They don't know how to hide. They can't control their movements well. They are basically big needy sacks of flesh. The milk of the mother is less rich, less filling, and has much less fat. The babies need the mother to be RIGHT THERE all the time keeping them warm, safe, and fed.

Which one of those sounds like a human? :D I'm going to go with the useless crying flesh bag. No offense, human babies.  I feel like this is really great evidence FOR attachment parenting, against cry it out, and for some degree of co-sleeping. I am interested to hear rebuttals, though.

The reason WHY human babies are so helpless is also one of the reasons why our species has done so exceedingly well: the brain. Competent, independent animals babies are born with their brains pretty much totally developed. Human babies are born with such undeveloped brains that the first three months of life is often referred to as the 'fourth tri-mester'. I'd love to get into more detail about that, as well!

If the human baby was born with a more developed brain, its little head would not fit out of the birth canal. We would have to evolve bigger vaginas!

So human babies are born very immature, developing, and helpless. If they don't get physical contact they will actually die. They need loving touch to feel secure and appropriately socially bonded. There are LOADS of important, feel good hormones that are released by touch. The baby needs to feel safe, secure, and protected because it has no way to protect itself and no way to know that it is safe without you. Amazing.

If a baby is left in distress its brain releases cortisol. Cortisol is a strange hormone. It is great in appropriate doses at the right time in development. Cortisol is crucial in fetal lung development. It has a lot of important functions in the human body BUT in large doses it damages neurotransmitters, stifles growth, and can cause permanent brain damage. A stressed out baby is a baby possibly causes brain damage to itself.  We gotta help baby feel safe and secure by making sure a caretaker is with baby as much as possible. In the wild, that baby would be carried around nonstop for the first many months. I hope I am a carry mom and keep my little ape safe and happy!

Annotated Bibliography

Real Food for Mother and Baby: The Fertility Diet, Eating for Two, and Baby's First Foods. Nina Planck. 2009. 

An overview of good eating choices from fertility on.  This break summarizes the evidence that humans are carry animals and therefore should be nursing and carrying their babies as much as possible until the baby self weans.

Why newborn babies can't walk. Lin Edwards. http://phys.org/news180340234.html 18 Dec 2009. 

Human newborns can't walk because the time it takes an animal to start to walk is related to how it walks (heels or toes) and the complexity of the brain in relation to the gestation period.  Human beings fit perfectly into the model with other animals when these things are compared. (I love how animal we are!)

Science Says: excessive crying could be harmful. 

http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/health-concerns/fussy-baby/science-says-excessive-crying-could-be-harmful

This goes over in great detail the problems with excessive crying. 

Something to look forward to...

So, I've gotten a little flack about speaking with authority over parenting when I am not, in fact, a parent. My goal is to inform myself and to create a resource for other parents. Your kids will create the world my kids will live in so I am only benefited by helping to spread good science-based  information to other parents.  I want to give my kids the best world I can.

Anyway, to add some more perspectives into this experience, to further my pursuit of knowledge, and to gain a little ethos (always a good thing) I'll be inviting some guest MOM bloggers to tell it like it really is on what I will be calling 'Mom Monday'. So you can look forward to reading real moms balancing my theoretical blogs.

If you are an actual parent and you have something you'd like to blog about, please feel free to email me. I'm really wanted to build a resource here that I can depend on when I'm in the trenches and, like I said before, that other parents can consult if they want a little advice.

My goal is to take BIG HEAVY information and to break it down into manageable, accessible chunks that give the heart of the information so that when life is crazy I don't have to spend hours researching.

I am so looking forward to Mom Mondays and hope you are, too. :)

Book Review - Real Food for Mother and Baby: The Fertility Diet, Eating for Two, and Baby's First Foods

When a mother you know who is gorgeous and healthy and smart with a gorgeous and healthy baby recommends a book to you you definitely read it. This is why I read real food for mother and baby by Nina Planck.

First of all in general I want to say that I really enjoyed the book because Nina has a very interesting voice. The way she presents her information is approachable, accessible, and informative. She uses a lot of science, which I love, but made it accessible, which is great, and she gave a lot of tips on how to specifically prepare for different parts of the baby creating process, which as you guys probably know by now that is something I am super into. I especially liked how she went through the different stages of development told which kinds of vitamins and minerals the baby will be using at each step in the pregnancy.

So, in general, Nina's philosophy on food is to eat when she calls 'real food', eating food that has been around in human evolution for a long time. Now, she's not totally paleo but the overall idea is at the longer humans have been eating a kind of food, the better it is for you. Nina is completely against processed foods and she is against refined sugar but it notes that even she can't resist it sometimes. One thing that I really liked about her approach is that she gives the information with some science to back it up and explains why she would recommends it but she even admitted she exercises all these things with some flexibility and moderation. She gives some fun examples of times when she breaks her own rules because its what she wants to do because it suits the situation that she's in.

I would recommend this book. It starts by giving you a general overview of conception diets and foods that have long been considered appropriate for potential mothers across many cultures. I really like her look back in history and anthropology at I think it's very interesting to learn about the diet of people in cultures around the world. I love the connection that she finds in cultures on opposite sides of the world when it comes to newlywed women who are expected to conceive soon.

I think that people who are vegan might not enjoy this book because Nina is definitely against a vegan diet and is a former vegan herself. She does over a lot of vitamins and nutrients that cannot be found naturally in a vegan diet and since she is a big advocate of natural vitamins, natural minerals, and natural eating she really cannot advocate a vegan diet because it requires a lot of supplements. However she does admit that many mothers are very nauseous when they are pregnant and supplements might be necessary because they can't keep food down anyway.

I also really enjoyed the section where she looked at how humans compare to other similar animals and how some of her opinions are backed up by biological research on other similar animals. I specially enjoy her section explaining how we should be nursing and caring for baby based on the fact that we are carrying animals not nesting animals. I thought that this is very interesting and helpful and will definitely inform some of my future decisions when it comes to how I will take care of my baby. Basically when you look at the level of competency of a newborn baby and you look at the composition of milk it is like that of other carrying animals not like that of nesting animal. I want to write a blog on this so I will leave it at that because I think the topic is well worth exploring.

I didn't agree with everything that she had to say, there are some risks said she takes that I don't think I would be willing to take (like raw milk and some alcohol consumption) but, on the whole, she gave really great advice. Again, I really respect the fact that she presented her information and says this what I have found but  I have broken my own rules and you have to do the best you can with your resources and your family.

A disclaimer: I'm not trying to tell you how to raise your child. I promise. :P

Hello readers,


There has been some feedback to me lately that it seems that I am trying to tell people what to do. I'm not an expert on child development. I'm a linguist and a curious person.  Above all, this blog is a resource for future me who is tired and frustrated and hormonal. I'm taking research and putting it into manageable pieces so it is accessible to me when I need it.


I'm not about forcing other people to make the same choices I make. I don't know you or your baby. I don't know your struggle. I don't know how your kid reacts to anything. I just want to make information available to you and to myself, which I do here, and then you can make whatever decision you feel is best for your situation.  


For example, I know, through research, that religion lowers suicide rates and increases lifetime hope and happiness but I'm still raising my kids in an atheist household. On paper, I'm making a poor choice but it's my choice to make. I think it's the same. Other parents have to make the choices they want to make and then their kids will live with those consequences, good and bad. The only thing that bothers me is when parents don't seem to realize that their actions and choices do have long term consequences. I just want to empower people with information so they can make thoughtful choices.


Science is powerful and I love it but it's not always going to work every time. Science is about averages. Science is about what usually happens. Science is about observing.  Every person on the planet is different and, even though there are averages and usuals, there are also outliers.  There is no way I can know if what I post here is going to apply to your situation or your child. This is just the best information I can find about each topic, based on scientific research.  Try it out and, if it doesn't work for you, try something else.

I know you love your child. How do I know? You are here reading this, trying to get more information on how you can be a better parent. Make the decisions that work for you and your family. All I ask is that you give science a real fighting chance because, chances are, your baby is going to benefit from scientific research.

Love yourself. Love your baby. Forgive your mistakes. Equip yourself with knowledge. Do the best you can. Keep it up.

Kids' behavior: Expectations and reality

I just read a very interesting article that claims that sugar DOES NOT make kids more hyperactive. It is the parents' expectations and perceptions that make it seem so.  They references a bunch of research that had been done but the one that really struck me showed that parents who THOUGHT their kids had had sugar rated their child's behavior as much more hyper than parents who thought their kids had had a sugar free drink.  None of the kids had been given any sugar. The extra hyperness was all in the minds of the parents!

No research has been conducted on whether or not swelling up and 

turning violet because of experimental bubble gum is perception or reality.

Pic from Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

Here is the article.

Excellent pregnancy diet chart from Oz

This is a really useful pregnancy diet chart from Australia. I am putting it here for future reference. It has long explanations as well as a handy color coded chart of does and don'ts!

http://www.foodauthority.nsw.gov.au/_Documents/consumer_pdf/pregnancy-brochure.pdf

Giving "mom" advice

I have to start this blog with a huge THANK YOU to a dear reader and friend, Fiona, from Australia for a safety warning she gave me.  I had posted on my Facebook that I have started eating liverwurst to increase my vitamin a and b-12 because a great book I'm reading recommends a small amount of liver as part of a conception / pregnancy diet. She showed me an article that warned against consuming deli meats/smoked meats when pregnant because of the risk of listeria, which can cause a miscarriage. Wow. Thank you for that advice!

How can something so delicious be bad???

Pic from here.

The interesting thing was the way she framed the advice. She was very careful to hedge the info with clarifications that she wasn't judging or preaching or anything like that but that she hoped I would read the information she had.  I TOTALLY get why she hedged it like that, too. People get absolutely crazy when it comes to advice about their kids.

Last year I was sending very helpful science-backed advice to my cousin, who had just had a baby, when I noticed her making what appeared to be bad choices. One that really stuck out to me was she would leave my one month old cousin in front of a movie for extended periods of time. As a linguist, I know that screen time for an infant can lead to speech delays so I told her so and sent her an article to read. She flipped out at me and it wasn't long after that that we stopped speaking. We still don't speak to this day. She absolutely could not STAND me sending her information from experts giving her any advice about how she was raising her child.

I get that I can't really understand what it's like to be a mother yet and to have all that pressure and all those opinions thrown on me and all that guilt and worry. I get that I can't fathom how the hormones will change me and how I will be tired and worried and stressed. I just hope that I am NEVER in a place in which people are actually afraid to share valuable scientific knowledge with me and to warn me when I'm possibly harming my child. I crave advice, especially when it is based in science, and hope that I always am open to it.

I SO appreciate that my friend was careful to present the information in this way that, even if I were being sensitive, I would be likely to receive the information that could protect me and the baby.

How about you? Are or were you sensitive to advice about your kids? Have you experienced negative feedback from a new mom like I did? Am I definitely going to turn into a crazy person who won't listen to peoples' advice when I have a baby?

Science of baby bonding

This is a topic I absolutely adore: the physiology of love.

Love is considered a sacred thing, by spiritual and nonspiritual people alike. Love is considered special, untouchable, divine.

However, when you actually study the science of love, you find that love is another system in a well-oiled machine. Love isn't sacred, divine, spiritual, or special. Love is just another series of chemical interactions we have evolved as human animals. This includes romantic partner love AND parent child love. :D

Come on baby... mommy needs another dose of oxytocin...

Photo from here.

The most important chemical for human bonding is oxytocin. It activates the reward centers of the brain and makes you feel relaxed and happy, it reduces stress and increases trust. It makes you feel awesome. It's the chemical that is released during orgasm that makes you bond with your partner. It's also released in a high concentration during child birth, when you lactate, and when you gaze into your baby's eyes.

Babies are basically bundles of manipulative chemicals. It's awesome. Oxytocin is released from child to parent through touch. That is why it is so important that all caretakers of the baby get lots of baby cuddling in. Babies need to be loved and hugged and cuddles and snuggled. Skin to skin contact is so important to bonding, for baby and caretaker. Anyone who should be bonded to the baby should have lots of skin to skin cuddling with the baby. This literally creates a physiological bond!

Babies release more than oxytocin. There are other very handy pheromones and hormones being released to keep caretakers interested in caring for the baby.

Vasopressin is an interesting hormone that mostly effects men. A pregnant mate causes men to release this hormone and it causes men to feel more loyal, closer, and more protective of their mate. It also helps men feel an attachment to the woman's offspring. How cool! Some people call it the anti-testosterone because it decreases aggression.

Have you ever loved someone so much that when you saw them you were completely swept away with feelings of bliss? Those are probably opioids being released! This is an awesome pleasure hormone that your body releases to reward you for building close family relationships. They are specifically related to mating and parent child relationships. Cuddling, nurturing, and feeding the baby naturally create opioids in parents and children. One thing I thought was REALLY interesting is that you can become tolerant to opioids BUT that our old friend oxytocin stops you from becoming tolerant.

SO, in summary, your baby is a sack of chemicals, and so are you. A lot of beautiful, wonderful chemicals are coming off that baby and if you are touching the baby, you get dose with the hormones. The more you love your baby, the more love you will feel for your baby, and the more you will love your baby. Love, cuddle, hug, snuggle, and feed your baby as much as you can!

Annotated Bibliography

The Chemistry of Attachment. Linda D Palmer.  http://www.attachmentparenting.org/support/articles/artchemistry.php 2002

This is an excellent article breaking down the specific chemicals involved in bonding and explaining how they work.

The new science of mother-baby bonding. Patty Onderko. http://www.parenting.com/article/the-new-science-of-mother-baby-bonding.

Mother-child bonding gives long term benefits to baby. Attachment parenting prevents diseases, increases immunity, boosts IQ. Nipple stimulation from breastfeeding releases oxytocin. Oxytocin activates the reward center of your brain. Babies also release pheromones that cause mothers to bond with baby, in fact, mothers can distinguish their baby's smell from all other babies. Your own baby's smile also triggers brain reward center.

New Research proves mothers who do this bond better with their children. Mercola.com. http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2011/07/03/is-breast-milk-the-key-to-motherbaby-bonding.aspx. 03 Jul 11

Breastfeeding increases the production of oxytocin, the bonding chemical. Breastfeeding mothers have stronger brain responses when they hear their baby cry than mothers who feed formula.

Why do people people want to eat babies? Eoin O'Carroll.  http://www.csmonitor.com/Science/2013/0923/Why-do-people-want-to-eat-babies-Scientists-explain. 23 Sept 13

Babies release a pheromone that makes people hungry. The theory is that hungry moms take better care of themselves and are able to better provide for the baby.

Men and oxytocin, creating an attachment to nurture your newborn baby. What to Expect. 30 May 13. http://www.whattoexpect.com/blogs/daddydazemycoworkersweardiapers/men-and-oxytocin-creating-an-attachment-to-nurture-your-newborn-baby
Oxytocin also works on men.

Mother-baby bond: the biology of love. The Visual MD.  ttp://www.thevisualmd.com/health_centers/child_health/mother-baby_bond_the_biology_of_love/mother_baby_bond_the_biology_of_love

Reinforces the significance of bonding with baby.

My response to 7 things ' good parents' do that screw their kids up

I admit it. I'm addicted to Cracked. I love that site. Today they posted an interesting blurb that is definitely close to my interests so, for your pleasure, here is my

Here is the original article. It's clever, give it a look.

So, now my response:

1. Giving your kid a creative name.

I've actually read a couple of studies that indicate that an unusual, hard to pronounce, or *grimace* ethnic sounding name can be a life long hindrance. In this article they claim that people with weird names are more likely to end up in jail. Is it the name or is it that unusual names are more common among ethnic minorities and people of lower socioeconomic class?  The 'most common names of bad boys' they give are Alec, Ernest, Garland, Ivan, Kareem, Luke, Malcolm, Preston, Tyrell and Walter. They don't show their sources, however, or explain how they decided that these are the bad boy names. Are these the most common names in prison? Also, I don't think any of these names look creative at all. In fact, most of them are very old and traditional.

2. Teaching them to be themselves

This one was really interesting. They sited a study that showed that kids who were taught to notice and follow social rules were more well adjusted then kids taught to 'just be themselves' and not to care what other people think.  I believe there is a fine line here.  I think kids should be taught to critically evaluate social situations and make decisions based on the real outcomes of their actions. I was always a 'be yourselfer' and as a young child it did make me socially undesirable. As a I grew older I learned to evaluate my actions and contemplate the outcome: will this decision positively or negative impact my ability to have healthy social interactions? I think they need to learn to think for themselves and to stand by their own values but I also do think the greater implications of their actions also require some self reflection and consideration.

3. Making them play sports

This one touched on the competitive nature of sports and how coaches encourage academic dishonesty.  I want my kids to be physically active but I won't allow them to participate in anything too dangerous or full of social pressure. It just isn't worth it. Sorry future Oscar or Juniper, no football. No way. I'm hoping they will be interesting in martial arts, soccer, track and field, maybe even basketball (if they get tell genes from my paternal side).

4. Starting them in school early.

The article claims that studies show that kids who start school early are more likely to become drop outs and live in their parents basements. The stress and anxiety of school for those who aren't emotionally and socially mature enough at the start is too much to handle.  I definitely don't understand the rush to get kids into and through school. I want my kids to be well balanced human beings and to take their time enjoying their youth. I will likely put them in some kind of part time preschool for socialization when they are under 5, but I don't want my kids starting school until they are ready: mind, body, and spirit.

5. Warning them about strangers.

This section claims that too much stranger danger talk actually makes kids grow up to be racist and xenophobic. It also points out that most child molesters are molesting kids they know well. Yes, it's usually family members or close friends of the family hurting children. Disgusting.  I hope to expose my kids to enough interesting and diverse culture so that they won't turn out closed minded. I also hope to keep them safe by teaching them about their bodies, about proper limits, and to instill in them ownership of their own bodies. Also, martial arts can't hurt.

6. Heaping (unearned) praise on them

This one was VERY interesting. Apparently kids who are overpraised believe they are so naturally amazing that they are less likely to work hard at something.  Wow. I want to make sure little Mazes are ambitious and hard working. I've read about this before and, I believe, the solution is to praise their hard work and to encourage them to keep trying. I want my kids to have great self esteem, but I also want them to understand that natural talent isn't nearly enough, hard work is required to do things very well.

EDIT: Some friends posted some interesting advice about this one on my facebook link. Here it is:

• FRIEND ONE:  re: the praise issue, it has more to do with the domain you praise them in. Tell children they're smart and they will typically skip tasks that they aren't good at because that challenges their self-concept of being smart. Tell children they're really hard workers and they tend to persevere in the face of difficulty because that matches what they believe about themselves!
  
  It also matters whether they believe being 'smart' is something unchangeable and genetic or a product of hard work and practice.
• FRIEND TWO: research shows people more often tell girls they are smart and boys they are hard working...(see above for what then happens)...i don't believe everything i read but i do tell my girl she worked really hard and practiced and that is how she got better...

  
  

7. Showing them educational videos

YEP. I did a whole blog entry on this already. Screen time is terrible for children. Don't do it. Just don't.

Great podcast on inheritance and epigenetics

I'm a huge fan of the program RadioLab. Here is a fantastic program they did over inheritance and epigenetics. Here are some interesting facts about how I, as a future mother, can affect the lifelong health and prosperity of my children.

http://www.radiolab.org/story/251876-inheritance/

Science's take on spanking

This is another one of those topics that seems to send people into blind fits of rage.

Spanking. Physical discipline. Hitting your child.

I'll start with my personal experience, then go to the science.

I was spanked as a child. I still love my parents and I always did. I'm a nonviolent person, as an adult, but I was a really aggressive kid. I was a hard headed and hyperactive and that got me into trouble. I was "weird" so I was teased a lot and I got into fights at school and was spanked, put in time out, and even suspended in twice in middle school.

Once high school started I really mellowed out and never got into any real trouble again. My dad has told me that I was, overall, a good teenager and nothing to worry about. I stayed home watching Disney movies when other kids were out partying and I didn't like to be in trouble so I generally did as I was told. My parents weren't control freaks or anything, so it wasn't hard for me to respect their rules and stay out of trouble. I did some stuff they didn't like, but I mostly kept that to myself so it didn't cause any waves.

My parents spanked me because it was what they were told was best for me. They are conservatives and 'spare the rod, spoil the child' is very popular in conservative circles. My parents spanked me because they thought it was the right thing to do, they wanted to keep me safe, and they believed, based on the data they had, that that was the right way to help shape me into the best possible woman I could be.

Science, however, does not support that. There have been lots of studies done and time and again, spanking has been shown to be an ineffective method of disciplining children. Spanking correlates to depression, anxiety, aggression, and deceptive behavior in children, teens, and adults. I am not saying this because I have a personal agenda against spanking. My parents spanked me and I like to think I turned out alright myself. I've never been to jail. I'm successful, functional, and overall, happy.

Now, this is the hard part, as long as I can remember I've suffered from anxiety, bouts of depression, and, as I stated, as a child I was aggressive. It is hard to say if being physically punished as a child contributed to this, and I don't blame my parents because I know they did the best they could with what they knew, but I also don't want to risk even possibly contributing to the long term physiological suffering of my children. I'm sure if my parents had the information I have now, they would have reconsidered their disciplinary methods.

The science indicates that spanking causes fear in children and teaches them control through physical force. Physical discipline can actually damage the brain of a young child. The strong fear and pain chemicals that are released can have a long lasting effect on the human brain, the effect is not positive.

Studies done comparing the outcomes of physically disciplined children verses children who are disciplined in another way shows that children who are hit and spanked become more aggressive, get into more and more trouble, and are more likely to end up in jail. That's the hard data speaking loud and clear: if you hit your kids, you are teaching them to use physical force to control others and you are filling their brains with negative chemicals that can cause long term damage.

Now, you may tell me that spanking a kid is the only way to get them to stop a behavior sometimes. It's not true. Kids who are spanked are not more likely to stop a behavior long term... they are just more likely to HIDE their bad behavior from you.  I am certain that the goal of a parent who is disciplining a child is not to have them hide their behavior, it is to get them to change their behavior.

So, if I can't spank my child, then what? What can I do?

Well, that's a blog for another day.

If you have been spanking your children please don't feel guilty but also please don't continue. Now you know better. Now you know that it does way more harm than good. It isn't too late to change your behavior and repair the damage that is being done.

How were you disciplined? Does it effect you as an adult? Does it effect how you discipline your children? How do you discipline your children?

Annotated Bibliography

Childhood maltreatment can leave scars in the brain. Jon Hamilton.  http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2013/11/04/242945454/childhood-maltreatment-can-leave-scars-in-the-brain. 4 Nov 13

You're not raising better children by spanking them - You're raising more aggressive ones. Maria Guido. http://www.mommyish.com/2013/10/21/spanking-makes-children-more-aggressive/. 21 Oct 13.

Spanking is bad parenting, but it shouldn't be illegal. Lindsey Cross.  http://www.mommyish.com/2012/09/07/spanking-bad-parenting-illegal-canada-417/ 7 Sept 12.

Goodbye to 'Spare the Rod, Spoil the Child' - Spanking Proves Harmful, again. Lindsey Cross. http://www.mommyish.com/2012/07/02/goodbye-to-spare-the-rod-spoil-the-child-spanking-proven-harmful-again-939/. 2 Jul 12.

Mother guilt

I got an interesting private message from a reader who was worried that I might be speaking out too strongly and that I could cause some mothers to feel shame or guilt over the choices they have made.

Specifically she mentioned that when things are rough and time is limited sometimes mothers have to take dietary shortcuts to manage their lives, stress, and relationships. I understand that not every mother can afford a home cooked organic, nutritious meal for every meal.

It is not my intention to shame or guilt anyone. It is my intention to empower you with knowledge and to learn from your personal experiences.

Instead of feeling guilty about doing x or not doing y, just make an effort to be more thoughtful forward. We all make mistakes, we all do the wrong thing sometimes, and guess what, sometimes you do what science says now and then science changes and you did the wrong thing anyway.

Don't beat yourself up. Make the best choices you can with the information available to you.

To be blunt, I do think it is a shame that some people go into conception, pregnancy, and child raising completely blind and ignorant. That makes me incredible sad because there are so many ways in which you can improve the quality of your child's life, health, and behavior if you have some knowledge about science. Science is amazing.

I had another reader comment on my Facebook post that, before reading this blog, she had no idea that a mother's diet had any effect on the health of the baby. She plans to share this information with her friends, who she assumes also never thought about it. This is exactly the outcome I wanted. I want to empower people to make better choices going forward, not shame them for choices that are too late to change.

I understand that not all people have access to knowledge or have the time or ability to read and process the information. I hope to help here by taking the time to do the research for you. I try to break down the big tough academic stuff the best I can into digestible chunks so that even someone busy can learn a little something. I also have made an effort to post an annotated bibliography with clickable links at the bottom of each blog so that you can read more about things that interest you or check my sources to make sure you trust them.

Most importantly... I don't have any answers. I'm not here to tell you how to live your life, manage your body, or raise your kids. I'm just here exploring the science, beliefs, and experiences that I have access to so that I can make the best choices for my life, my body, and my baby. I sincerely hope you will learn something here, too, and that you will take away something valuable that will help you and your child to have the best possible life.

Choices and Epigenetics

Before I get pregnant I want to change my lifestyle. I want to get healthier. I want to be stronger. I want to eat better. I want to make being active an everyday thing. I want to take control of my body.

I want to make sure that I am creating the best possible environment for zygote to develop into embryo and into fetus and then into baby.

Some people have told me I'm taking this body thing too seriously. I'm told most people didn't do anything to get ready to be pregnant, apparently, and I should just take my pre-nats and get to procreating.

Now, some people I know really didn't need to make any physical adjustments. They were already living very nutritious and active lifestyles and so were baby body ready.

I, on the other hand, don't feel ready and I know that if I were to get pregnant now I would be putting myself and my offspring at risks.

Epigenetics shows that the environment of the fetus can affect the way genes are expressed. the I just read an interesting article explaining some of the ways the mother's body effects the child and how they have tested it. Fetuses are extremely delicate and loads of chemical reactions are happening in the womb. My introducing the wrong chemicals, or by not having enough of the right ones, you can cause your fetus's genes to express themselves differently. This can lead to birth defects and long term physical problems like obesity, ADHD, and so on. If that article wasn't enough to get you paranoid, this article explains in even greater detail ways that the choices I make about my body, what I eat, if I exercise, and which chemicals I allow myself to have will impact my fetus. ARGH.

I need to get myself into the right habits NOW while it is easy instead of waiting until I'm hormonal and scared and excited and already providing an incubator for my human experiment.

If my period is ever late my first thought is OH GOD WHAT HAVE I EATEN AND DRANK LATELY??? I'm so paranoid that I'm going to eat or drink my baby into failure.

Dear Baby Maze, your incubator was powered by organic local hot dogs. Sorry about the ADHD. Love, Mom

I read in a conception book that you should prepare for conception for at least six months, making the necessary changes to nutrition so that your body is ready to support your zygote as soon as the egg meets sperm.

What did you do to get ready for conception? Do you think it made a difference?

Annotated Bibliography

How a pregnant woman's health choices could shape a child's health. Jon Hamilton. NPR. http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2013/09/23/224387744/how-a-pregnant-womans-choices-could-shape-a-childs-health, 23 Sept 13


How maternal nutrition affects fetus. Clare Collins.  http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/releases/158397.php 22 Jul 09

http://www.parenting.com/article/the-new-science-of-mother-baby-bonding?page=0,3
Information about how bad parenting and abuse lead to severe impairments later in life.

What's a body positive, sex positive, feminist, empowering parent to do?

So, this post is definitely going to be one for the deep archives. It involves teenagers and sex.

My husband and I were recently at a dinner party when the topic of teenagers and sex came up. A mother I know, who considers herself progressive and feminist, shared her own struggles when her daughter became sexually active and started asking for birth control. 

I have to admit, my reaction was divided.

Part of me wanted to say of course I'll support his/her decisions that he/she makes with his/her own body and I will equip my kids with the knowledge and tools to have safe sex.

The other part of me said OMG MY KIDS CAN'T HAVE SEX BECAUSE THEY ARE KIDS!!! GROSS!!!!! 

Wow, what an unhelpful response.

I know that teenagers have sex. Confession: I did. 

I'm a body positive, sex positive, educating, empowering person who wants to believe that when my own teenagers come to that time that I'll react in the best possible way.  The only question is... what IS the best possible way?

The mother asked Noah and I point blank what would we do if our teenage daughter came to us and said that her boyfriend was coming over and they were going to go "hang out" in her bedroom and we knew the subtext was sexual.

I guess I don't want to think about my own children having sex with WHO KNOWS WHO in my own house. What if they get hurt? What if he's a creep? What if my son gets someone pregnant? What if they form a codependent emotionally abusive relationship and feel like they can't get out because of the sex? 

I know a lot of you are sex-positive, feminist, body positive, awesome empowered people. What's your take? Do you discourage your kids from having sex? How young is too young? How do you control that anyway? 

I always knew I would educate my kids about safe sex as soon as they hit puberty but I never really thought about how I would react if they said they were having sex or if they tried to have it in my house. 

Teaching kids to have and respect physical boundaries

I want to teach my kids to respect people's physical space and also to have the courage to protect their own physical boundaries from others.

I had never really thought about this until I read an article that explain how one mother doesn't make her kids hug or kiss anyone they don't want to, relatives included. If grandma wants a kiss on the cheek but the kid doesn't want to, they don't guilt the kid into it. I thought that was so interesting because it had never occurred to me that kids don't HAVE to kiss grandma if they don't want to.

It is so ingrained in me that I must hug or kiss or shake hands with certain people in certain situations. For a kid to refuse a good bye hug or kiss on the cheek is considered very rude and we will cajole that kid into agreeing to it. Sometimes people will even grab the kid and force them to give the hugs or kisses. This all seems so innocent and even comical, the idea of the grumpy kid with red lipstick smudged on his face, until you think about the deeper implications of what is being taught.

My children's bodies will be their own. I won't make them touch anyone when they don't happily give their consent. I want to teach my daughters to respect their bodies and to empower them to be able to say 'no thank you' so that no one can guilt them into more sinister physical contact. I want them to feel like their bodies are their own, and not public property or the property of whoever has power over them.

I want my children to respect that other people's bodies are also private. I don't want my children to force touch on anyone else. I certainly want my children to respect consensual touch and to stop when someone else says 'no'.  I don't want my children to have the idea that they are 'owed' touch from someone because they are in power over them, they are stronger and bigger than they are (or they bought them a drink someday).  I want the message to be loud and clear.

My body is my body. Your body is your body.

I've personally struggled with feeling like, as a woman, I had to submit to touch that I didn't want to 'get along' and 'not make things awkward' or just because I didn't really know how to say NO when the moment came. I don't ever want my kids to have that. I want them to feel empowered over their own bodies and to be able to politely (or strongly) decline and know that it is OKAY to say no!

I want boundaries to be respected and I want to start teaching that as young as possible.

Do you make your kids kiss you goodbye? Do you make them hug grandma even if they don't want to? How are you teaching your kids to respect physical boundaries?


Annotated Bibliography

I don't own my child's body. Katia Hettler. http://www.cnn.com/2012/06/20/living/give-grandma-hug-child/index.html


The Healthy Sex Talk: Teaching Kids Consent: Ages 1 - 21. The Good Man Project. http://goodmenproject.com/families/the-healthy-sex-talk-teaching-kids-consent-ages-1-21/