The Thoughtful Human Breeding Experiment

This is me.

I'm almost 30. I'm married. My partner has a good job. We are about to have insurance. I guess it's time to breed.

A lot of my friends have been producing offspring lately.  Really cute offspring for the most part. It makes my uterus cry out in hunger.  FEED ME. FEEEED ME.

I've heard compelling reasons for and against reproducing. I watched friends go through pregnancy and successfully start raising children. I've also watched friends successfully avoid pregnancy and start accumulating massive piles of money and expensive but awesome hobbies. I have to confess, the prospect of potential eternal wealth and limitless vintage possessions does have some appeal. I love eating out in nice restaurants. I love traveling. I love day sex. The thought of giving up my very fun and fulfilling life for the unknown is a bit scary.  I like that I can go out for karaoke all night at the drop of a hat (if I want to). I like that I can decide that I don't feel like cooking and stroll down to the restaurant without a fuss. Kids will complicate, maybe eliminate, these things.

The thing is, I'm a bit scared of being a mother because I'm determined to be the absolute best possible mother I can be. That's a lot of work. I've already started to do research on conception, pregnancy, and child raising. I often find myself intently studying parents and children interacting with each other. I seek out and read academic (and sometimes pop culture) articles about parenting. I talk with my mom friends and ask them what is probably an irritating amount of questions about the choices they make with their young.  I don't just want to have a kid, I want to conduct a thoughtful human breeding experiment.

As obsessed as I've become with childcraft you'd think I'd be chomping at the bit to get one growing.  Well, it's complicated. First of all, as I stated above, the idea of giving up my happy life is scary. What if I miss it? What if I'm one of those people who don't actually take to motherhood?  I know that is taboo to talk about but I have had friends, who shall remain anonymous, who confessed to me that they love their children but they probably should never have had them because they just don't have the mothering or fathering instinct. What if my mothering instinct doesn't kick in properly? What if I resent my children and I'm a bad mother?

Secondly, I know that once I start any mistakes I make are for real. If my body isn't in the right condition I could cause damage to my fetus. If I give the wrong toys, I could developmentally delay my baby. If I say the wrong thing I could emotionally scar my toddler. It's really, really scary. I want to give my kids the best ever life ever. I want them to be glad I'm their mother. I want to have a close knit family. I want my kids to say I'm the best mom in the world and to mean it. I guess all moms want that. I see mom friends who have that closeness with their kids and I study them as closely as I can. What do they say? What do they do? How do they interact with their kids. I study them and I try to store it away in my brain.

Despite all my anxiety about the issue it doesn't seem possible that we won't have children. My husband definitely wants them and hasn't shown the slightest hesitation about it. Now, that being said, he did tell me that it is MY choice because it is MY body and I'll be the primary care taker. I love him to bursting for that because he is so understanding. I haven't felt any pressure from him to decide FOR kids. I do know it is something he really, really wants but I also know that if I did decide against it that he would still love me and we would make our life together without them and there wouldn't be any problem. That means a lot to me. I'm so glad he has given me that choice. Anyway, since he definitely wants them and I do want them, even if I'm scared, I've decided that we should go for it.

So, now starts the Thoughtful Human Breeding Experiment. I'm still on the pill but I'm gearing my mind and body up for the breeding phase. This blog will be for jotting down ideas, feelings, articles, pictures, and, hopefully, for sharing the discoveries I make along the way with whoever else is interested in Thoughtful Human Breeding.