See, even this hideous monster can't bare to see a little girl cry, even though it is literally his job.
(pic from Disney Blog)
This is parent-centered child-craft. Mommy and daddy are done messing with baby and want to sit on the couch and watch America's Next Top Model. Put crying baby into crib, close door, turn up the TV, voila. Baby learns to self soothe and mom and dad learn which model is the skankiest.
Dangit, baby, shut up, Tyra is talking!
(pic from babble.com)
This has been the M.O. for baby raising for quite a while. Well, not anymore. New science is showing that cry it out is actually damaging to baby. It can cause baby to have abandonment issues, attachment problems, and, in extreme cases, can actually cause BRAIN DAMAGE. Yes. Brain damage. Leaving a distressed baby alone to cry and scream is extremely stressful and can release chemicals into the brain that hinder proper brain development. If you are interested in more of the science read this article from Psychology Today. Babies need attention, touch, support, and reassurance.
People believe that if you respond too quickly and consistently to a crying baby that you will 'spoil' the baby. Science disagrees. Giving positive attention, touch, and nurturing helps baby to grow into a compassionate, stable, and secure person.
People like tradition, they like to do it 'old school'. Well, let's talk OLD OLD school. Ancient school.
The real tradition of baby-care is constant interaction, touch, and soothing from parents. Our ancient ancestors HAD to make the baby stop crying or else they would all be eaten by predators. In prehistoric times, cry it out wasn't an option. Babies were carried around all the time and soothed when they cried. You didn't stick your baby in the cave and wander off to watch America's Next Top Caveman. You took care of your baby.
There are even more implications when it comes to training humans for behavior. Human larva require socialization because we are a gregarious species. Even in the womb, fetuses are starting language development. Newborn babies respond to and show preference for the language of their mother. They've been listening to it throughout natal development. Babies need human attention to learn human social cues.
When baby is left all alone to cry and feel distressed, baby learns not to trust anyone or to make significant social bonds. Yes, a baby is going to cry a lot. Yes, a baby needs constant attention and care. Yes, a baby is going to ruin your enjoyment of America's Next Top Model. If you can't handle that then DON'T HAVE A BABY.
I will not let me baby cry it out. I won't leave my baby to "self soothe" before he or she is developmentally ready for that step. My baby will know without a single doubt that he or she has a social safety net, a loving family, and always always the security of mom. A helpless baby IS HELPLESS and we shouldn't expect them to be otherwise.
BABY YOUR BABY.
If you have any stories, opinions, articles, or random comments; feel free to leave them.
The only problem I have is your assumption that only patents who want to watch TV want their babies to stop crying and that it's only self centered parents who can't stand their child crying.
ReplyDeleteWhile I'm strongly against the cry it out method (The Ferber method is a decent compromise) and I'm against the assumption that after listening to a baby scream and cry for no apparent reason for hours a mom is a self centered brat for wanting some quiet or by some miracle, sleep.
You are much kinder than I. I guess my assumption is that it is selfishness that leads parents to letting the baby cry it out. I'm sure there are also good intentions, too, like they think it is the best thing to do (helping children learn to self soothe) or maybe they have work to do or other children to attend to and they just can't manage it all.
ReplyDeleteI hate the cry it out method. Don't get me wrong... But I felt you were insinuating that its only selfish bitches that wish their baby would stop crying long enough so she can sleep or eat lunch or pee, something totally more reasonable than watch TV.
ReplyDeleteOr you want your baby to stop crying because you genuinely want your baby to be happy and relaxed instead of upset or in pain or whatever is making her cry.
Though there will also come the times when every night you spend an hour going through the carefully planned become routine and lovingly put your baby to bed and she for the most part goes to sleep on her own but tosses and turns, wants you to stay in the room with her until she falls asleep, etc And day after day you're giving up 2 hours of your day with bath, bottle, massage, pj's, book, rocking, etc and your husband is watching TV or you have friends over and you're missing the conversation again... Or you even just sit there thinking about all the laundry and dishes left to do and you start to get frustrated.
I don't do the cry it out method and I lovingly sit with my daughter into she falls asleep but to pretend you won't ever get frustrated or feel like you're missing out on something (even if it's just time to catch up on the chores) is an unrealistic expectation.
Yesterday I had an interview for a job. The printer was out of toner so I got the baby dressed, in the car, drove to one of those places I could print my resume out at, got back home, baby on one hip, trying to open the door, resume (one page of paper) in the other and daughter grabs it this wrinkling it.
ReplyDeleteSo it's back into the car. Back to the store to print it again and try the sequence over again this time without causing damage to the resume.
Then it's almost time to leave for the interview. Baby has been playing so nicely and independently in her room while I got ready. Walked past her room and smelled a poopy diaper. No problem, I can handle it even tho I'm in my nice clothes. Go into her room and shit is literally everywhere. On her, her clothes, her toys, the carpet, etc...
So I have to clean her, change her, clean the carpet, clean the toys and of course the babysitter knocks in the door the moment I open up the diaper and start wiping. So I have to finish the wiping and I decide to just open the door with a naked but clean baby on my hip that I pray doesn't pee on my interview outfit.
With the babysitter in the house, go back to rediapering, reclothing and disinfecting the toys and carpet.... And still somehow manage to get out the door in time to get to the interview.
It's not the plight of a selfish realty TV watching bitches who thinks "gosh my kid is really running my nails"
There will just be times that shit happens. And it's not asking too much of life to expect to be able to do something normal like get to a job interview, on time, with a pristine resume, wearing poopless clothes and also have a happy, healthy baby.
It is scary to realize how much control I'll be giving up. I won't be "Elizabeth" living in Elizabethland anymore, I'll be Eleanor's mom and that will be the most important role. Her poopy diaper comes first. If she's sick, I'm stuck. If she can't sleep, I don't sleep.
ReplyDeleteIt is scary to imagine giving up control of my whole life to something that doesn't even have fully developed brain functions of the ability to make rational decisions.
BUT... as you've said to me... it is worth it. I've held your precious girl in my arms and cuddled her when she was fussing and she's just so wonderful. I love seeing the pictures of your family playing and learning together. I want to teach my children so many things. I guess that's why we do it.
:)
Even on those crazy nights, like tonight when she's getting her 7th tooth and she's drooling so much her crib sheet is soaked under her head and we had to put oragel to numb her gums which make it hard to keep her pacifier in her mouth so she is waking up off and on and wants the comfort of momma patting her back to help her go back to sleep... She falls back asleep and I go back to bed and I miss her.
ReplyDeleteHow silly is that. She's down the hall. Sleeping like a baby should. Everything is fine and normal. And yet I crave her presence, the soft skin, the fresh baby smell... As soon as I put her down I want to hold her and never let her go.
All worth it.
That is perfect. Thank you for sharing. :) I think it makes a nice counterpoint to the hard feelings. :) I hope I'm as devoted a mother as you. You talk about how hard it is but, gosh, you make it look so easy. You just DO it. :)
ReplyDeleteYou nailed it.
ReplyDeleteYou just DO it. LOVE is an action. Love is a verb. Love is a choice.
I won't lie about the hard parts because like you I think people need to think long and hard before they decide to make the decision to have a baby. Because I want them to be totally devoted to it. And so lying to you or anyone else for that matter that its all easy and rainbows all the time wouldn't be helpful for anyone. I think people do it because they are scared of saying out loud or admitting it's hard and scary at times. And hormones make you feel all sorts of crazy at times.
But I knew I wanted to have children. I was very informed and I still underestimated it. But I LOVE being a mother and I ADORE my baby girl :)