A girl, a boy, and radical feminist gender rebel shame

Here's me as a baby. See what a gender rebel I was? 

I had a faux hawk and I wore pink AND blue.

Ever since my partner (Noah) and I have acknowledged that we want kids people ask if we want a girl or a boy. As a radical feminist gender rebel I should be annoyed by this question but instead I automatically answer "both".  I don't even feel annoyed at their reinforcement of the gender binary and their presumption that we have a preference when it comes to our offspring.

The shameful true is that I DO have a preference. I do want male and female children. I even know what birth order I want. I want a girl, a boy, and then to adopt another girl. This order is important because I want my daughter to benefit from first born status (birth order research shows that first born children are more independent, leaders, and often even more intelligent).  I don't want my son to be DISADVANTAGED, it's not that I think I will love my daughter more, but in this day and age women are still automatically disadvantaged and so I think my daughter will need the leg up more than my son.

It's the same reason why I want to adopt a girl. I want to give a girl who might not have a home the advantage of a loving, nurturing home. I've always wanted to adopt and I plan to adopt last because I'm getting a late(ish) start on breeding so I feel it is smarter to have the biological children first.

So, why am I ashamed? Well, I feel like I shouldn't have a preference. Specifically wanting one (or two) or each acknowledges that there are differences that are significant. It implies that I want my children to have certain gender specific characteristics. It also possibly implies that I would be disappointed if I had children who were sexed the same OR if I had a son and a daughter and then one transitioned. Then I feel really stupid because I'm sure I'm the only person in the world having this ridiculous head game.

I don't want to reinforce the gender binary and I don't want my children to feel that they have to squeeze into some gender box or even be any specific gender BUT I also acknowledge that gender is real and no matter how I socialize my kids they will pick up gender from the environment and I certainly don't want to set my kids up to be ostracized if they are unnecessarily aberrant.

I guess I could give my kids gender neutral names and dress them in all white or black clothes and never tell anyone what gender they are and then let them make that decision when they are old enough.... but I don't want to. :P

I've got names picked out and they are obviously gendered like Oscar and Eleanor and Felix and Penelope.  I want to dress my kids in lots of colors and even in some gender specific clothes (although I think it would be fun to "cross dress" them, too).  I want to be able to be able to imbue a sense of feminine pride in my daughter, I want her to believe in girl power. I want to tell my son to be a gentleman and I want him to be a mama's boy.  To say these things almost feels like treason to me.  I actually feel guilty.

Now, I WON'T stick my kids in a gender box. Even if I do name them gender conforming names and generally socialize them towards the gender of their birth sex, I want to let them express themselves. If Oscar wants to be called Olive and wants to wear a princess dress, I'll support that.  If Eleanor wants a blue toothbrush and wants to cut her hair off, sure! If Penelope wants to be Princess Batman for Halloween, that's fine with me.  If Felix likes to wear pink sparkly shoes, go for it. They can even change their minds. I identify as a gender rebel and as gender fluid and sometimes I'm really butch, sometimes I'm really femme. It's okay. I want my kids to know that that's okay.

I guess all I can do is gently socialize them towards being socially acceptable but also to keep my eyes and mind open to support them and not to trap them or make them feel like they have to conform.

That being said... how do I nurture them to embrace the gender spectrum within us all and yet protect them from getting bullied if they choose to be nonconformist?

UG. Comments, suggestions, and articles welcomed.