I've got a history of mood disturbances, some depression, and a nice healthy dose of ADHD. There is bipolar and depression up all my lineage. What if I end up with a child predisposed to depression? I would hate to intentionally inflict that on anyone, especially my own child who I am SURE I will love more than I can imagine now.
I've had days where I swear I went through this entire list in rapid succession.
After a year of therapy, my last therapist said that I'm not bipolar but that I have "an artistic temperament".
Pic from this site.
Even if I don't pass on my mood swings, there are unending genetic disorders that can happen. I remember I was in 9th grade biology and we watched a video on genetic disorders. I was so traumatized I swore then and there that I wouldn't ever have a biological baby because I was so afraid it would come out seriously deformed. I've changed my mind since then, but it took me YEARS to even consider that I would ever breed offspring myself.
Now, I hope that I'm not hurting anyone's feelings by writing this. I am aware that someone who comes across this blog someday may have or love someone who has some sort of genetic disorder. I'm not saying AT ALL that I think you are unworthy or bad or unlovable. I am acknowledging that it has made your life harder and, of course, no parent wants to see their child have a harder time or to suffer.
I guess this is the risk we take. A lovely new friend of mine is a geneticist (a plant geneticist, but still a geneticist) and she has one of the most lovely, thoughtful, and well behaved little girls. I think she's probably 4 or 5, I've forgotten how old she is. I asked my friend for her secret, how she has such a great child, and she shrugged and said it was a roll of the dice. When you make a baby, you roll the dice and hope for the best.
I have another great couple of friends with two beautiful, sweet daughters and they joke that they 'roll 20s' when it comes to making babies.
Not exactly the kind of toy I would use in bed but... to each his own.
Pic from thinkgeek.com
All this talk about the randomness and unpredictability makes me nervous. How can I control for variables in this Thoughtful Human Breeding Experiment?
I've actually read articles that insist that if you eat a certain diet you are more likely to have a girl or if you eat this other diet you are more likely to have a boy. I know they do gene screening to check if there are any warning signs for possible genetic disorders (okay, but what do you DO with that information?). I've even read that sperm is formed in a man 3 months before it is ejaculated and so a man can alter his diet three months before you start to try to conceive to try to get a leg up to the best sperm. None of these things are a guarantee. There's not even a guarantee that I will get pregnant at all.
I had a friend who did EVERYTHING by the book PERFECT and right all the way down to the what she ate for every meal. She had pre-clampsia and had to deliver early and almost lost her son (he was in NICU for a while and now is healthy and beautiful and perfect).
There are so many scary factors here. From the genes I'm passing to the environment I provide in the womb to factors that have nothing to do with me. From socialization to education to peers to bullies... there is no way I can protect my baby the way I want to.
It almost makes me want to forget the whole thing. Why bring a person into this ugly world? Why risk all the bad things that could happen?
Well.... I guess we just take the risk. I'm living in this horrid world with a mood disorder and a big nose (lol) and I'd rather be alive than non-existent so I guess I just have to believe that my child will feel the same way.
Even if something happens. Even if something goes wrong. If? When.
I just have to love my child the best I can and hold his or her hand when it hurts and know that it is better to have existed than to have not existed.
I love how people say they'd rather be alive than non existent.... It's an impossibility because if you didn't exist you couldn't care that you didn't exist... Because you don't exist to care. Lol.
ReplyDeleteTotally am freaked out about the roll of the dice too. I rolled a 20 once, can we do it again??
Your D20 has only 20s all over it on every side. You are guaranteed a 20. : D
ReplyDeleteAnd, yes, it is true I would not know any better if I had never existed. I guess I mean to say, given the choice. I wouldn't choose 'never been born' which some people would choose. I've known people who seriously wish they were never born. It is so sad.
That is very sad.
ReplyDelete